She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize