I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
