There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
