don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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