I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
