K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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