you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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