I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
