the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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