I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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