go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
