just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize