Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
