The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize