I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
