Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
