I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
