my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
