You really coming over, don't trick.
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
