I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
