I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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