I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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