Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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