I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
