dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
