her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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