I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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