I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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