Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
