A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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