Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
