just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
