if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
