Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
