its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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