i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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