Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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