Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
