yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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