I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
