I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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