haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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