Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
