Don't make out with my wife yet
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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