I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Randomize
