She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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