She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just cropdusted the office
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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