She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
