walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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