I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I want her autograph on my taint
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
