Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So much Jack, so little girl.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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