my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
