make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
