I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
