stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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