You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
