His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
