Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize