i would punch a child for taco bell
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
