Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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